The Redef

Is that a Swell?

2009-08-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Haven't been here in a while... sigh. I have that feeling again where I think I'm about to ride a wave of activity and staying on the diet. Hopefully I can get back on the board before the wave crashes in on me.

I went into the office today, and because I have such bad skin I always have moisturizer somewhere. So I put some on in the office, and went to talk to some co-workers. An hour or so later I went to the bathroom, and saw some very noticeable flecks of the lotion on my face. No one said anything to me; have they become so adjusted to my poor look that the they thought this was normal.

Aaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhh!

Blame no one, expect nothing, do something...

Back to the Kiddie Pool

2009-07-19T18:19:00.000-07:00

The exercise is really taking a hit, and as a result the weight is going up. When I get into this mode I have to get back to basics... get out of the ocean and back to the kiddie pool where I can start over. So I have been slowly getting back to the gym, and not trying to run 20 miles in an hour. OK there is no way I was ever even coming close to that, but you know what I mean.

I hope all of you are doing well.

Defining the Change

2009-07-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

Just to keep me on target here are the changes that I have to make:

lose weight
read more
less TV
volunteer more
exercise
cuss less

The targets are up, it's time to start shooting.

Happy Birthday America

2009-07-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday America. A special thanks goes out to all our soldiers in the services. If you have the means in these tough times please donate to the Fisher House.

Thanks.

Distracted

2009-06-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

I've been very distracted the past few weeks. To the point that other things are not getting done. I had mentioned earlier about crushes, and I'm getting over one just to fall into another. (I know I'm desparate.) The earlier crush is still there and I think of her, but... sorry "Sugar, Sugar" just started playing on my iTunes... "I just can believe the loveliness of loving you..." don't you hate it when songs can express your feelings better than you can? Anyway, I'm starting to get over my first crush my realizing that there isn't a chance I would even meet this person. That's the kind of crush I have... long distance, and the person doesn't even know me. One day I'll explain the next song that just started to play on my iTunes.

The new crush is local, knows me, and I thought we had something going. But I've been disappointed a few times in the past weeks, which has led to the distraction. Does she care? Does she want to be with me? Does she want more? Unfortunately the answers are yes, no, and no. It's not that she said this to me, but isn't true that actions speak louder than words? I've been more forgiving with her because of her situation, but the other day she let it out that I was too old for her, and I've fallen into the friend zone. I don't know if I should just cut my losses and move on, or wait this out. I've been in the friend zone to know that getting out rarely if ever happens.

Have a good weekend, times are tough, but I have finally realized what taking it one day at a time really means.

Feeling Low

2009-06-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

I have not been riding the wave of disappointment in an effort to get me back on track. I have my mind on other things that are really distracting me from what I should be concentrating on. I feel like sometimes I'm being led on, but I get so lonely that I let it happen. I have to get back on... I have to get back on... I'm not riding the wave... I have to get back on.

Don't Fear the Booth

2009-06-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I wanted to lose weight is because going out in public like I am really sucks. You always feel that people are watching and judging you no matter what you do. If you are in the supermarket you think people are looking and saying "Getting more food, huh?". When you are actually out exercising you think people are saying, "It's about time, but it will never work." And finally when you go out to a restaurant all you hear screaming in your head is, "Be sure to get a small salad."

The biggest problem going to a restaurant was more real than imagined. I hated going into booths because I just didn't fit. I would have to wedge myself into the table. Over the years I believe my friends and family understood this without them ever saying anything.

Over the past couple of years that I have been losing some weight the booths have been less scary. But the other night I met my parents for dinner. They did not see that I already had a table, and they were seated in a booth. My father got up (again without seeing me) and went to ask the hostess for a new place to sit because they needed a table instead of a booth. Like I said earlier I felt my friends and parents always knew my booth problem, but this was the first time I had heard them. This really bothered me because even though I had lost enough weight to not fear the booth, others still saw me as fat enough to need a table.

Let's hope I can ride the wave of disappointment.

It Hurts

2009-05-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

I have a crush, and it hurts. Just like any unrequited crush, it makes you sad and depressed that you will never be able to realize (or even come close to) a dream. The only thing I have ever found that would help to get over a crush is time. Time and removing the person from your mind. Eventually, the time between thoughts will grow longer and longer, and you move on. It really hurts.

A Longing

2009-05-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

Just a quick drop in after visiting my Mom for Mother's Day (love ya Mom).

I have a longing to be somewhere else. Not only to be somewhere else in my head, but to be living somewhere else. Growing up my father was in the military and we moved a lot. When he retired we moved one more time, and I've lived here ever since. And for 30 years I was happy living here; I wanted to grow roots and not move anywhere. But now things seem to be changing. Some friends have gotten married, and others are going elsewhere.

So now I have been thinking that I want to leave. But it has been so long since I've had to start over that I don't know if I can handle it without some support. Which leads to my other problems which I have mentioned before. So it looks like I won't be going anywhere until I can fix the other problems. Don't look now, but it actually sounds like I'm getting a life plan together.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there. Thanks for everything.

Reduce the @#$$ing

2009-05-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

As part of the redefinition I'm trying to stop swearing. I swear too much and have started a "swear jar", there's $45 in it so far. I'm also doing a "word a day" system so that I can be a sophisticated person :).

I'm trying to dress better at work as well. My work allows us to dress casually, and I was taking it a little too far. I was always wearing blue jeans and t-shirts. The t-shirts have been relegated to the home front, and I wear collared shirts now. Now, for the pants. I have started to wear "dockers" every now and then. This is harder than the shirts since my jeans were always so comfy. A new wallet is also being used after I got rid of the velcro wallet. (Don't mock my velcro wallet it was always easy to wear, but I was always embarrassed by the requisite riiiippppp whenever I opened it.)

Diet not great, exercise still doing great.

Update

2009-04-27T19:04:00.000-07:00

One other thing. Diet is taking a hit, but exercise is excellent.

Sending Out a Warning

2009-04-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to figure out my life for a while now, I just recently started to blog in the hopes that I can organize my thoughts. Anyway, as I said before, when you are doing this type of thing you always look for signs to guide you. One of the signs that I saw was one of those demotivational posters that showed a sinking ship with the caption of "Sometimes you serve as a warning to others." That picture started a depression, and followed with my desire to change in the hopes that I wouldn't be the ship in the poster. I am that ship in the poster. That die has already been cast. I just hope that now I can be another picture as well.

The Pill Walk

2009-04-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Finally took the picture for the start of the re-definition (cue bass drums). Hopefully, the pictures will get better as I go along from both the artistic means and the weight loss means. Today I did another pill walk. A pill walk is where I gather all of the pills I take (prescription and otherwise) and sort them into containers so I can just swallow them without having to open a lot of jars. It's just one more incentive to get better, I take way too many pills.

I need new sunglasses.

Save Me

2009-04-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Did you ever hear a song that said exactly what you were feeling? I'm sure everyone has. I heard the song, "Show Me what I'm Looking for" by Carolina Liar, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. The lyrics,

Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

say everything that I feel. I first heard the song a few days ago, and fell in love with it. However, on my way home today I realized that there is no one out there to save me. I have to save myself.

Every Little Thing

2009-04-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

Is it me or a coincidence that when you are depressed or not happy that you read something negative into every little thing you see, read or hear? I was reading the ingredients on a box of cereal and it listed sodium on it. No big deal right? But I started thinking sodium is not good for you, these guys are trying to kill me. What's their problem? Someone at work said, "Hey," to me while passing me in the hallway. Well... what the heck... what did she mean by that? Why was it just a "hey," and not a long diatribe on how happy they were to see me. I need to get over myself.

Haven't started the photographs yet. Will do after I finish this entry. The diet is taking a hit this week, but the exercising is doing pretty good. Believe it or not I actually miss it when I don't go. Me and the elliptical machine we got... you know.. something going on. Wanting to exercise is very rare for me, and I need to ride this wave while I can. Cowabunga!!!

On an interesting note I went to lunch with someone I had met a while back, and for various reasons we hadn't talked in a while. But at lunch she said that I was a handsome man. Now anyone who is grossly overweight will tell you that there is no way they ever feel that. But it was nice to hear, and it came at the right time. Maybe the first steps of the change are working.

Be bueno.

Beautiful Day

2009-04-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

I need to let you know that I'm not constantly griping and sad all of the time. It's just that right now I'm going through a hard time in my life where I realize that I'm not doing anything. Compared to other people in these hard times I live very well. I have a roof over my head and a good job. I just want to be a better person.

So to that end I think I have the start of a plan. I've never had a plan in my life that was longer than 7 days in the future. It's time to change that. The first is to lose the weight. I'm giving myself two years to get the rest of this done. And I think I will try and take a picture of myself at least once a week, to show the progress... its time to put the mirrors back up.

Good night.

The Other Problem

2009-04-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

The other problem is my weight. It's made so many problems for me that in some ways I have grown accustom to the problems. This is the area that I'm trying to change the most. I figure if I don't change my life now that I have 10 years (15 at the most) to live. I don't want to resign myself to dying.

I've lost a lot of weight so far, but have a long, long way to go. As I go along I hope to relay the good days, and not the bad ones.

Thanks for listening.

Love is God's Mistake

2009-03-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

My first big problem is that I have had no one to love. That is hard for me to say. Makes me feel like a loser in life. Don't get me wrong I have friends and family that deeply care for me, and I appreciate there love all of the time. (Most of the time I can't believe they put up with me.) Anyway, I have never really dated anyone, and the love I felt for other people has always been unrequited.

The problem for me is lack of confidence in myself, which is due to my other major problem. Of course, it could be that I'm not that good looking. Again, I'm trying to change, and this is one of the areas (with the other problem) which I hope to change.

Have a good night.

Introduction

2009-03-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to change, but fear that it is too late.

I've come to the realization lately that I don't participate in life, I just lead an existence. Sometimes I feel that I'm waiting to die. I guess knowing what your problems are in life is have the battle. So I started this blog in an effort to turn my life around. Call it a mid-life crisis, call it wanting to leave a mark on this world, or call it anything you want. I need to be and do better than what I have done so far.

This is my first foray into socializing on the internet. I've used the internet, but never to interact. Hopefully, this blog will get better as I describe the problems I have and the changes that I hope to make.